Change is in the Air

At Carolynn’s Broadway Revue this last weekend the MC, Thomas, said something about how change was in the air and my Mom said, “Change was in the air when Daniel was throwing coins after his wedding.” This is a reference to the musical Once On This Island, and at the end of the play Daniel gets married and, following the tradition of his people, throws coins to the peasants outside his hotel gates. And this is not to be confused with Sense and Sensibility, Carolynn, when the kids run around and yell “Married in the Botts!” and Professor Snape throws coins at his wedding to Rose from Titanic. What an interesting couple. But that is also not the kind of change in the air that we’re talking about. We’re talking about the kind of change where things become different. That kind of change is metaphorically in the air.

A lot of things are happening right now. Carolynn is graduating from high school and going to college at Mesa State University in Grand Junction. Lexi’s life continues to change with the lives of her two babies, especially since one just joined this world a little more than a month ago. Joseph is coming home from his mission soon. Erin is not coming home this summer and has to find a new job. My parents are staying the same in important matters because my father doesn’t handle change very happily. And Jason isn’t changing much now that his growth spurt that lasted the last 2 years has ended right before he grew out of his own skin. I’m not sure how it’s possible to grow so fast.

In my branch, people are going off to school, coming back from school, going on missions, coming home from missions, moving to apartments with cheaper rent or closer locations to where they work, getting married, or joining the army. That’s a lot for my little branch to handle, but it hasn’t reached breaking point yet. I think it’s in good hands with our new presidency.

I like change, as long as it’s happening TO me and not just around me. I’ve been in a single ward for 5 years and watched the influx of people in and out of that ward. It’s crazy that you get to know everyone, then everyone leaves and a handful of people stay, and in the fall a billion new people come in and the ward is completely changed. It’s like in The Wizard of Oz, when Dorthy watches Glinda leave by bubble, soon after watching the Wicked Witch vanish into a trap door of fire and smoke, she says “People come and go so quickly here!” and all the munchkins laugh because it’s true.

Well it is true. Single Wards and branches change every semester. It’s frustrating to be one in a handful of people who stayed year after year. There was a time when I knew every missionary on the missionary wall, not merely by reputation, but because they had left while I was in the ward. That happened for about 3 years. While everyone else was coming and going, I was feeling left behind. I was watching everyone but me accomplish something, or change and decide to do something else, or go somewhere else. It’s hard to watch other people get out of the ward by marriage and graduation, because I wanted those things so badly. I was one of the older girls in the ward, and one that had been there the longest. From my freshmen class, I was one of three who were still there.

I was so excited to get out of Greeley with student teaching. I wanted a change, any change, that would show the other singles that I too was accomplishing something. When I moved to Brighton I was told by a boy (identity with-held) that he thought it was pretty awesome that I was out of college and starting my own career. And it was. I’m so excited to be out of college. It is possible! It’s hard, but it is possible. And I was so excited to get out of Greeley.

Now I’m changing my location again, at first temporarily, then permanently. Well, for a school-year at least. I’m leaving my little Brighton Branch, and I’m leaving Brighton and going back to Greeley. Soon I’ll be leaving Colorado. I love Colorado, but the change is necessary.

Naturally, with change comes some sadness. I am sad about some things. I’m sad to be leaving my branch in Brighton. I kinda feel like it needs me, especially with all the change it’s seeing right now. But someone will come and fill my calling and my role in the ward will go to one person or be split between a few. My friends will make new friends, and hopefully call me sometimes and keep me updated with what’s going on. I’m sad to leave them most of all. I’ll miss night. I’ll miss our heart attacks. I’ll miss hearing about their days and being a part of their lives. I still hope to be part of their lives, but I’ll be a more distant part. The one that they call because they have to kill an hour and they know they can’t just call for 5 minutes because we haven’t talked for a week or two. That kind of friend. I’ll miss making plans with friends from Greeley who live nearby. I’ll miss visiting Jane and the kids I student taught. I’m really sad to be leaving when Jofis is coming home. I told him I’d meet him at the airport with a qudoba burrito. I hope I can keep that promise. I’ll get time off, right? Right. I’ll miss seeing my nephew and niece as often as I do. I already don’t get to see them as often as I would like, even though they’re only 45 minutes from me. I’ll miss running home when I’ve had a bad day or I’m really stressed. I’ll miss going to family birthday dinners and eating birthday cake. I’ll miss a lot more than I can list right now.

Change is in the air, and I’m changing this time too. It’s sad, but a needed and happy change for me. I’m excited to be a teacher, and I’m excited to go someplace new. But I’m sad about what gets left behind. This time it’s not me. I’m not sure if it’s more sad to be the one changing, or the one that isn’t.

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein

This is a book that Shel Silverstein wrote, and someone turned it into a You Tube video. I really like the moral of the story.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE&NR=1]

Where I Should Have Wanted to Be in 5 Years

One day, I was riding home with my dad. We were listening to talk radio, which he prefers and I don’t mind, but it wouldn’t be my first choice. They were talking about how people always have something about themselves that few others have and because of it, they are proud of themselves. The lady on the radio was saying that hers is that she owns her home. She said that her friends around her rent theirs, and she doesn’t look down on them for renting, she’s just proud of herself.

While they were talking I thought about why I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I hold a college degree. I worked hard for that piece of paper and put in a long time. In my branch I’m one of few who went to college, and even one of fewer who graduated from it. I don’t look down on others and think that they haven’t accomplished what they should have. I think some of them would have better lives and jobs if they had a college degree, but what they do with their lives is their choice, not mine.

A few days ago I was looking in a binder that I’ve kept since young womens with all my handouts, quotes, and stories that I’ve gotten through the years. On one of the pages there are drawings that my YW leaders made us do. It’s called “Where I Want to be in 5 Years.” I was a Senior in High School when we did this activity, so I wrote that I wanted to be married, have some kids, and have my degree. Well, the only thing I have is my degree. It’s also the only goal that I have complete control of fulfilling. I can’t get married or have kids by myself, but I can get through school by myself.

So, I changed these goals a little. I changed “get married in the Temple” to “Be worthy to get married in the Temple and become the person that I would want to marry.”I know what kind of husband I want, and I need to be the kind of woman that will attract that kind of guy. I think I’m almost there, but I still have a few things to work on. It’s funny because I’ve sometimes been told that I’m not married because no one is good enough for me. Well, I’m working on me, and he’d better be working on him so when we meet he won’t worry about me being out of his league.

I changed “Have 2 children” to “Be a good role model and make habits now that will make me a good mother.” I’ve always been told that when I have kids is not a good time to try to fit in scripture study or prayer. I’ve watched my sister and her two kids, and I’m not sure how she finds time to brush her teeth. being a mom is so time consuming. But if I already am in the habit of reading my scriptures and saying prayers, I’ll be more likely to find time to do it.

I already have one goal down, and I’m still working on my two new goals, but I think over-all I’m doing pretty good. And I think those goals are never ending. I will find ways to improve all the time, until the day I die.

I’m not disappointed that I haven’t fulfilled my goal of being married and having kids. Those things will come in the Lord’s time. But in the meantime, I must have other things He wants me to do.

I'll Trade Ya! The Ol' Switch-A-Roo

Last night at Institute class, Sister Covak shared a story that she had heard at church on Sunday. She said that there was a little girl who threw temper-tantrums a lot. One day she had been really good and asked for a cookie. Her mom said, “No. You’ve been so good today, you can have TWO cookies.” But all the little girl heard was NO. She then proceeded to throw a four hour temper-tantrum because she didn’t get what she wanted. Needless to say, she didn’t get any cookies.

On the other hand there is a story that circulates the e-mail forwarding population called The Necklace. It’s about a little girl who goes to a store and sees a cheap necklace made of fake pearls and she wants it. She asks her mother if she can get it for her, and her mother does. The little girl wears the necklace all the time and she shows it off. One night, when her daddy is tucking her in to bed, he asks if he can have her necklace. She tells him that it’s her most favorite thing in the world, but if he wants it, she’ll give it to him. He says that he does want it, and she fulfills her promise and gives her greatest treasure to her daddy. He then pulls out a box from his pocket with a real pearl necklace in it and gives it to her.

As I’ve been thinking about these stories, I thought about when I’ve seen my mom with young kids. Sometimes they get a hold of something that is unsafe for them. I remember one day, we were sitting at the set dinner table, watiing for dinner. My sister, brother-in-law, and their baby were there, and the baby picked up one of the knives on the table for cutting whatever meat we were having. It was a sharp one, not a butter knife. A steak knife, that’s what they’re called. Everyone at the table pointed out that he had done this, but my mom picked up her spoon and handed it to him and said, “Here, I’ll trade you.” He then took the spoon and let her take the knife from his hand.

I think this is how Heavenly Father works. There are many things in the world that are like that knife, dangerous and bad for us. Some things may be more like the necklace, precious to us, but cheap and harmless. Some things may be like the cookie, something we want at the time that will satisfy our personal craving or sweet tooth. But Heavenly Father doesn’t ask us to give these things up because He wants to make us unhappy. He wants us to be safe. He sees our metaphorical knife and says, “Here, I’ll trade with you!” and gives us a metaphorical spoon. He takes our cheap pearl necklaces and gives us something vaulable and real. He allows us to have more cookies than we’ve asked for because He sees that we’ve been good and is rewarding us.

Sometimes we don’t see the trade or increase of reward and we throw temper tantrums. But He will always do what is best for us. My nephew was too young to understand that knives can hurt him. Maybe we don’t realize that something we want will hurt us. Heavenly Father sees more than we do, he has an eternal perspective. He can see the past, present, and future clearly, while I see what I want or I think I need at the time. Even my present vision is not clear.

In young womens they taught us that the law of sacrifice was giving up something for something better. We can’t always see the something better, and sometimes we completely miss that it is better. But Heavenly Father will always reward us for giving up whatever he asks of us, whether it be drinking, dressing immodestly, 10 percent of our income, swearing, bad music, dating before we’re 16, spending Sundays at the mall, sex before marriage, R-rated movies and even PG-13 ones. I think every Latter-Day-Saint has their favorite sins. No one is perfect. I know I’ve got mine. It can be a tv show you watch, a habit you won’t give up, tithing you think you can’t afford. Let us all try to be like King Lamoni’s father who said, “O God, Aaron hath tole me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee, and that I may be raised from the dead, and be saved at the last day.” (Alma 22, 18) The something better will always come, and eventually we will be prepared to receive his best gift, Eternal Life.

Matthew 7:11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, ho much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask?

Weather, Worms, and Warnings

Okay, first of all, is the weather a subject you’re not supposed to talk about in real conversation? If so, why? I’ve heard that it is, but I don’t understand. Is it because everyone can see what the weather is like and it’s rude to be Captain Obvious?

Well, if you do think it is rude to discuss the weather, read no more, because the weather is the topic of this post. I think weather is fascinating. I took a meteorology class and learned very little. I kinda understand why it is windy and I know to duck in cover if my hair stands up in an electrical storm because that means I’m about to get struck by lightning. Thank you Brother Huffines. But that’s about all I learned. And, PS, Brother Huffines was not my meteorology professor, but he did come in and guest speak to us about lightning, as he does specialize in it.

Today I woke up to pouring rain. I love the rain. It smells, sounds, and feels delicious. I think it is fascinating how water falls out of the clouds in droplets. I’m not sure though how it works, and it’s fine with me to just acknowledge it as one of God’s many miracles. At UNC I was walking with a friend on a cloudy day that smelled like it would rain. He said that the smell was disguisting because it was the smell of worms coming out of the ground. Now, I’m not completely sure where rain gets it smell, but I’m pretty sure it’s not from the worms. I could be wrong though.

When I was in elementary and middle school, my brothers, sisters, and I would go outside and wait for the bus every morning. The day after rain, the worms would be out of the ground. We didn’t want them to get stepped on or eaten by birds, and so we put them on the cement cover of our well. When we got home we would check on them and they were still there, but all dried up and dead from the lack of ooze and water coming out of them. I’m not sure if we were trying to save their lives or what, but we definitely weren’t helping them, and we were actually lowering their percentage for survival. Oops. Sorry worms, please forgive our childhood stupidity.

While we’re on the topic of weather, let’s discuss all the natural disasters that are going on around the world. In Doctrine & Covenants it talks about if people don’t listen to the Still Small Voice, or the voice of the Prophets, missionaries, and Elders, earthquakes, lightnings and thunderings will increase.

Doctrine & Covenants 88:88-90 “88. For after your testimony cometh wrath and indignation upon the people. 89. For after your testimony cometh the testimony of earthquakes, that shall cause groanings in the midst of her, and men shall fall upon the ground and shall not be able to stand. 90. And also cometh the testimony of the voice of thunderings, and the voice of lightnings, and the voice of tempests, and the voice of the waves of the sea heaving themselves beyond their bounds.

We definately see that happening. How many huge earthquakes have their been lately? And is it true that the earthquake in Chile knocked the earth out of it’s regular orbit a little or something like that? And every year I say “I don’t remember there being this many storms last year!”

Last summer I lived at home in the middle of nowhere where you can see for miles and miles around you without light pollution hiding the stars. They are beautiful. This summer when I move home I think I’ll have a girls night or something for all my Denver-Area friends and we can star gaze. Oooh, let’s do that for my birthday, we’ll have a giant sleepover. Or, if it’s cloudy, that means there is probably lightning all around our house, so we can lightning-watch instead. Any way, I go outside when there is rain or to watch the lightning, as long as it isn’t right above my head. I do NOT want to get hit by lightning. Many times I have felt the earth shake and tremble, felt the windows rattle, and I feel like Heavenly Father is communicating to His children to come to Him. Like when the 5 little ducks come out to play, over the hills and far away, mommy duck says “Quack, quack quack!” No little ducks come running back. But the Daddy Duck says, “QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!” ….5 little ducks come running back. We’ve ignored mommy duck for a long time, now daddy duck is calling because he wants us all to return home safely and it’s almost dark and the weasels are going to come out and eat us. Weasels are nocturnal, right? Well, whatever predator eats baby ducks and comes out at night, daddy duck is trying to save us from that. Maybe owls?

Heavenly Father is trying to get us to return to Him safely. He calls us as he needs, and right now He needs thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. But, remember, when daddy duck said QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! 5 little ducks came running back. That is 100% of the ducks. God’s work and His glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. Atonement? Complete. Immortality? Check. Eternal life? Cue the lightning.

But how is this possible? Something that I know about Heavenly Father is that he’s nothing like the Greek god Zeus, who hurls his lightning bolts whenever he gets angry. I know Heavenly Father uses His scientific laws to fulfill his purposes. Now don’t get mad, but when I hear about global warming, I think that explains it. Heavenly Father doesn’t have a lightning machine with a wrath setting. There seems to be a lot of pollution in the air, and we learn about acid rain in science, so pollution obviously has an effect on our atmosphere. I’m not quite sure about all the global warming theories, or Al Gore weighting the numbers, and I’m definitely closer to being a worm than a scientist, just pull off my limbs. It just makes sense to me, scripturally. I’m not saying that it’s all the hairspray used in the ’60′s and ’80′s, but the way we waste and pollute has to have some kind of effect, especially since it has all happened so suddenly. Pollution didn’t used to exist, it came about just in the last century or two. This also doesn’t mean that I’m going to go through my neighbors garbage on trash-pick-up day to sort their recycling. I’m pretty sure the earth will receive it’s paradisiacal glory before we use up all it’s resources. But I also don’t think that we should be wasteful. So, add that to the list of global warming theories and name it after me. Or maybe after Joseph Smith, he knew about it a long time before me.

Isn’t it amazing how we digress from the weather? Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing to talk about. The subject has revealed several things about me, namely that I’m a worm killer, that I’ll probably get struck by lightning, and that I believe in Global Warming. Don’t be hatin’. Unless you’re a worm.

Negativity is Contagious

A while back I was looking at my News Feed on Facebook and reading all my friends statuses. Or would that be stati? Well, spell check says statuses. Good. So, anyway I was reading all my friends statuses and realized that not very many of them are positive. I think it’s because people tend to focus on the negative. Well, negative things are hard to not pay attention to, it’s like they wear bright colors and dance in your peripheral vision while you’re trying to do something else. There’s no way to ignore those brightly-colored-dancing negatives. Well, for girls anyway, I don’t know how boys minds work.

As I was reading these negative statuses I began to feel down too. Then I went to post my new status, and everything was negative. Now, I don’t think there was very many negative things going on in my life at that time. But everything that came out of my fingertips was pessimistic and whiny. That is because negative attitudes are contagious. I see it all the time when I was student teaching and directing. When one kid whines, other kids who usually just do what’s expected of them were like “yeah, I think this is dumb too!” then that negativity spreads like wild fire, then a lot of my theatre 1 kids get a bad grade on their assignments. Some people are incredibly good though, and they’re surrounded by a force field of good thoughts and feelings that negativity can’t penetrate. They always got good grades. I wonder where one can purchase this force field, or where it can be obtained. It must be a learned attitude that will take a lot of work to get.

Well, you gotta start somewhere! So, I have been trying to not be negative on my facebook statuses, and I have noticed that the ones that aren’t negative always get more responses from people. I wrote that I wanted a cupcake and 4 people liked it and two put a ring on it, meaning they wrote a comment.

Okay, I admit it, sometimes I do write negative things too. But that’s because those little dancers have moved in front of my computer and I can’t think of anything else. Sometimes it takes me a little while to think of something positive. But, as the day goes on, I realize I think in facebook statuses and decide what I’m going to post long before I’m even near a computer to post it. I hope I’m not the only one who does that, I would guess that’s a sign of addiction. But that helps me to find a positive status, and I try to post a new status before I read anything else on my facebook, so it can’t be influenced by all that contagious negativity.

Job Hunging: Broadening My Horizons

While I have been looking for a job here in the Denver area, I feel like I fill out applications all the live long day, but at the end of the day, I try to tell a friend about all the things I’ve applied for, and as I do I realize 2 things. 1. I only applied to about 4 things when I feel like I applied to 10, and 2. I hate all the jobs I’m applying for and don’t want to do them.

So, first of all, it is very frustrating to fill out an application because it takes so much time and all applications need all the same information. I feel like I’ve typed my name, address, and phone number a million times. And as I fill out these applications, you would hope that you hear back from at least one thing that you applied for a day, but I feel like I might as well be putting the applications into a bottle and sending them into the ocean. I’ve only heard back from two job that I’ve applied for. And one of the two was a sorry-we-don’t-think-you’re-qualified e-mail. I’ve had three interviews, but two have been call-to-apply jobs. And the third interview was the other job that I said I’d heard back from. They scheduled an interview and I went. The same day of the interview I got an e-mail saying I’m not what they’re looking for. My friend Amy works for them and she asked them why I didn’t get the job. They said that they really liked me and that I did excellent in the interview, but I didn’t have any experience. Okay, so I understand that they need to do what is easiest and most efficient for them, but if I need experience to get a job, where do I get experience? Oh, right, a job. Well, I guess that’s a vicious and unfair cycle.

Secondly, I’m not sure if I was lying to myself, or what, but I would HATE doing any of the jobs I was applying for. I spent 5 years getting a degree that would allow me to teach high or middle school theatre. I LOVE that job. Student teaching was so fun and exciting. I love that every day is different and that I’m influencing the lives of young people every day. I enjoy working with students and helping them learn and understand and have fun. I love directing and watching scenes and plays by high school students that give their audience goosebumps and make them forget they’re watching a high school production. THAT’s what I want to do. I don’t want to work as a teller, a waitress, a secretary, or a cashier/retailer. I want to be a teacher. My dream job is being a teacher. I had forgotten that, and it hadn’t been the first time, and was just looking for anything that would pay my bills. But I don’t want to work in a job that I hate.

While I was in school people would ask me where I wanted to teach and I would say that I hadn’t decided because I didn’t want to be disappointed with where I ended up. That would happen to me. I would prefer to teach in Colorado, but there are next to 0 theatre teaching jobs in Colorado. So, I’ve broadened my horizons. I know, it’s sad. I had to back out living with my best friend, Amy. That was really hard. Mary and I were looking forward to living in the same area again when she got married. I love my ward and my calling, and I feel like my ward kinda needs me. My mom is sad that I’m moving farther away. I’m sad that I’m moving away from my 2-year-old nephew and 1-month-old niece. But I have to stop worrying about how I’m making others feel and do something for me. It’s time to grow up and act like an adult. The truth is, I have to go where the jobs are. Today while I was looking on-line at education jobs, I found a website that gives me 18 jobs that I’m qualified to do without being Highly Qualified to teach English. That was pretty encouraging. Unfortunately, none of them are in Colorado. There are a lot in Utah, some in Arizona and New Mexico, and a few in Neberaska. There were also some in North Carolina and Flordia, but those are both too far from home for me. So, there are jobs out there.

I thought I needed to broaden my horizons in my job hunting, so I applied at every store, restaurant, bank, etc. that I could think of. But now I see that I do need to broaden my horizons in my job search in a different way, by location. I’m going back to hunting for educational positions. And I’ve never felt better about a decision that I’ve made.

As I’ve been looking for jobs, the words to a hymn keep popping into my head:

It may not be on a mountain high, or over a stormy sea. It may not be at the battle’s front my Lord will have need of me. But if, by a still small voice he calls, to paths that I do not know, I’ll answer, Dear Lord, with my hand in thine, I’ll go where you want me to go. I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, o’er mountain or plain or sea. I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord, I’ll be what you want me to be.

I didn’t know where he wanted me. I still don’t. But I do know which direction. And I do know what he wants me to be. A teacher. I guess the exact location will come later.

To Blog or not to Blog; that is the question.

Having a blog is kinda an intimidating thing. I feel like I have to say profound things that are worth reading. But I think this blog is for the writer. Almost like a public journal. If you're here to find entertainment, then go elsewhere, this blog is about and for me. Bye bye!

I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while now, but didn't for the reason of not having anything important to say. Not enough happening in my life worth sharing. But now, I think blogging can be therapeutic, like some people draw, sing, run, dance, etc. to get their feelings out. Blogging can do that. Some people write to do that, blogging is another form of writing, right? Right.

Having a blog means you can say what you want and not worry about what another person is thinking. It's like sending your ideas into the universe that doesn't have a mouth, as long as you delete the comment option. But sometimes, having someone with two ears and a mouth is a good thing, because then you get feedback and other ideas back. Those ideas go into your two ears (or eyes if they're on a blog) and your new ideas come out of your mouth and into their two ears. Very nice.

However, I ask that you listen to my point of view before you open your mouth. We are given two ears and one mouth for a reason. We should listen twice as much as we speak. That's all I ask. Feel free to comment, but be kind and patient. That's something I don't like about mouths, they can hurt people. They have teeth and sometimes a whip of a tongue. Don't just see something that you don't like and begin whining and saying that I'm wrong. Feel free to say that you disagree and say why. Otherwise I just hear that I'm wrong and then my ears close and my mouth opens, just like yours did. Neither of us will learn anything or see things a different way, or even understand each other that way. Whoever has ears let them hear.

Also, another main reason I started a blog was I needed another place besides facebook to say what I felt. My facebook has been taken over by students and former students and I have been taught to protect myself. So I act professional on my facebook and don't post exactly how I feel. It's not like I have pictures of me at drunken parties, as I don't drink or go to drunken parties. But I don't like posting anything about my religion or beliefs for my students. That's the big thing. That is a huge part of me, and I need to have a place where I can just write about my feelings, worries, fears, etc. combined with my beliefs. I need to be able to quote General Authorities and scriptures and not worry about offending or influencing a student and having a parent get mad at me. So, no students allowed! If you're a student of mine, go away! How did you find me here, anyway?