Memo to the Recent RM From All the Single Ladies

My brother is coming home from his mission in Ecuador in 13 days! Needless to say, I’m excited. The only reason I’m not excited is that I have to move my stuff out of his corner of the basement, so I have to organize and move everything fifteen feet from where it is. And it’s dusty and there are spiders. But, other than that, I’m pretty excited. Anyway, I was at the Institute on Monday and I told Brother Coleman, the Institute Director, that Joseph would be home in 15 days (it was two days ago). Later I saw him taking two young ladies on the scenic tour of the institute to the missionary wall where Joseph’s picture is and telling them how great he is. I should have realized that he would do that, because he’s done that to me on a few occasions when other Elders were scheduled to come home. Later some girls who I’ve never talked to before asked me at FHE that night if I was excited my brother was coming home soon. I’m glad I was there to witness the Brother Coleman Tour because it made me realize I have to warn Jofis of what was about to happen to him when he comes home to a boy-crazy, low-testosterone, high-Estrogen, Singles Ward. I figured I would post my thoughts on my blog for future warners and warnees. Plus, I think it’s funny. The reason it’s funny is that it’s true. So, this is my warning, from a single lady to a return Elder. And other boys in general:

1. You can’t hide anything. Be honest with where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing, because we already know. We talk. We know you’re a return missionary, we know where you went, we know you completed your mission, and we know you don’t have a girlfriend. If no one knows, someone will facebook stalk you until we find out. Don’t tell us you took a two year break from school. We know that translates to mission.
2. We all plan on dating you. Every single one of us. The same boys have been in the ward for a while, and we’ve grown bored with them. They’re leftovers. You’re fresh meat.
3. The girls who come up and talk to you right away are insane and desperate. Be afraid. Run away from them. The girls who wait until you’re not doing anything to talk to you, like waiting for FHE to start or after church in the foyer, are the sane ones.
4. We check for garment lines. This applies to all boys, mostly the ones we don’t know if they served a mission or not. We want to make sure you’re not a preemie before we decide we like you. We do this by looking for a whiter part under your white shirt sleeve, or touching your leg around your knee. The leg one is more reliable, since the under-shirt could just be an under shirt. (I’ve never done this, but I’ve heard girls talk.)
5. We expect you to be awkward and look forward to breaking you in like a new pair of shoes by sitting close to you and inviting you to everything we’re planning, like dinners and group dates. We want you to get through this phase as soon as possible so you’ll date us sooner. And we figure you’ll date your friends, so sign us up.
6. Don’t expect the ward to be the same as it was when you left. Everyone is different. If you’re lucky you’ll know seven people, probably only five. All those other girls you liked before your mission are married, graduated, or transferred. Your friends are gone too.
7. We’ll like you until you start dating, then you’ll go out on a few dates and we won’t like you as much because you didn’t choose us.
8. The girls you do choose will think you’re planning on marrying them. This idea is encouraged by crazy friends, moms, and roommates. If you date more than one girl, prepare for drama. There will be war, girl style. A nuclear rumor war.
9. Make friends quickly with the other boys (or a reliable, non-insane girl, like a sister, cousin, friend’s girlfriend, sister’s roommate, etc.) so they can explain to you who is dating who, who to avoid, who’s cool, who’s a drama queen, and who’s a heartbreaker. Ask questions to your new friends about these crazy girls.
10. All girls who knew you before you left are secretly hoping you’re ‘the one.’
11. All girls who didn’t know you before you left are secretly hoping you’re ‘the one.’
12. Someone has told us how great you are, probably the institute director.
13. Your ego is about to shoot through the roof with all the attention you’re going to get. Arrogance makes you unattractive. Keep it under control.

If you have any other warnings for Joseph, feel free to comment. I haven’t decided if I’m going to tell him all these things yet either, I don’t want to scare him into a family ward. Maybe I’ll coach him as he goes along.